I = Procrastinator!

You could cart bushels of apples to market in the bags under my eyes.

I think I have figured out that my recent desire to become a pirate is Freudian. Observe:

1. Pirates do not go to class. But when they do decide to go to class, they show up half an hour late, smelling of cheap rum and cheaper perfume, and rob everyone in the room before stumbling back home to sleep it off.
2. Pirates do not do oral presentations. Pirates' parrots do oral presentations.
3. Pirates forge their own academic recommendations:

"YARR. I BE AN EXCELLENT BOAT-CAPTAIN, HAVING CRUSHED THE SCURVY DOGS' ATTEMPTS AT MUTINY WITH ME PEG LEG THREE TIMES. I FEEL THAT THIS IS A SKILL THAT I WILL BRING WITH ME TO THE PHILADELPHIA MUSEUM OF ART, SHORTLY BEFORE LOOTIN AND PLUNDRIN YER RICH-HOUSES, YE CRAVEN, LANDLUBBIN COWARDS. HIDE YER CHILDREN.

GIVE ME THERE JOB, OR I HAVE MY MATEYS SEND TO YE THE BLACK SPOT. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

WARMEST REGARDS,

'DIRTY' BESS FLINT"

4. Pirates do not go to the gym. Pirates get workouts by choppin' off yon heads an swabbin the deck an scalin ye rigging and getting ye flask (you can't get ye flask!).
5. Rather than using rhetoric or clear thinking, pirates solve their problems with cannonballs and STDs.
6. Pirates wear dreadlocks and an abundance of dark eye makeup, but do not have to write angsty poetry to pull it off.
7. Booty. I mean, um, plunder.
8. All essays written by pirates start with the phrase "I never knew me cabin boy was so flexible, but..."
9. Camping out in the crows' nest on high seas can lend a spark of adventure to even the most humdrum night.
10. Pirates have weekends whenever they want.