Tuesday, September 13, 2005

This Has Nothing to Do With Anything

Just as there are a few things that irritate me about Whole Foods Markets, there are a few things that irritate me about blogs/bloggers. Whole Foods Markets have the stunning ability to charge twice as much for foods you probably wouldn't eat were they not the only things available in the store (for example, the Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter I am currently munching down is subpar, yet costs twice as much as Smuckers' All-Natural). Blogs do not do this, but here is what they do...do...(DOODOO!):

They give extremely boring people the chance to foist it off on the rest of us. You know what I am talking about. "Today I woke up and ate a sandwich. It was pretty good. There was lettuce. Then I went to class, where we learned about some stuff." Such people can make funny and interesting things boring. "And then I broke up with my boyfriend, and then I went shopping for some REALLY NICE SHOES!!!!1" The problem with these blogs is that usually they are written by friends or people you know, and so you have to resist the temptation to scream '"YOU CAN'T WRITE!" every time you see them. Also, when you ask them pertinent personal questions, they inevitably reply with "oh, I blogged it. Don't you read my blog? I read yours!" and then you have to come up with some excuse about how "my internet browser doesn't allow me to read things that...uh...suck".

They give extremely melodramatic people the chance to foist it off on the rest of us. I especially hate the people who have little sidebars with bios that say their specialties are "spreading life and light and joy!" or "plunging into the existential depths of the universe!" or "learning for the sake of learning!". These are not your specialties. They are your delusions. Even worse are the ones who give their jobs as "aspiring writer", because these blogs inevitably fall into the above-listed category and then I laugh at those people and I'm trying to curb that habit. They need to stop tempting me. I expect such inanities from girls between the ages of 12 and 18, but many of these things are written by supposed full-fledged grownups who never learned that they aren't special pixies riding the winds of Fate to alight on the cloud of Supreme Knowledge. In fact, they are usually just assholes.

A subcategory of the melodramatists are those who use their blogs as mechanisms to further their passive-aggressive tendencies, usually to the tune of "no one UNDERSTAAAAANDS ME!". These people inevitably angle their emo towards one person or situation in particular but, when confronted, will swear up and down that "oh no, I didn't mean you!" because to reveal what they were actually thinking would thwart their passive-aggressive agenda. You are just supposed to GET THEM. ALL THE TIME. STARTING YESTERDAY. The usual reaction to being confronted about the emoblog is to erase the entry, thereby obviating all the evidence that they were an idiot, when in fact the proper protocol would be either to not engage in idiocy to begin with or to have enough respectability to stand by one's statements in a way that indicates integrity or bravery.

For example, here are some statements that I will stand by and not delete (feel free to throw criticism my way in order to make me look better!):


There, you see? Personal integrity starts with a person!

I don't know why I am writing about this, other than that it has occurred to me today that, being one blog-year old, I am at risk of falling into these patterns (which tend to plague funnyblogs as the writer gets more comfortable with her audience and niche).

That said, yesterday I got my grownup license that doesn't say UNDER 21 in red all over it. And then I bought some really awesome shoes!!!!!1


Blogger Dante said...

while i hope that i'm not one of those boring blogs, i likely probably am.

and u2 rocks. :-P

9/14/2005 1:34 PM  

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