DAMN it, Mom, Stop Ruining My Stories!

Yesterday started with me getting up at 6am.

But wait! That's not the punchline! AHAHAHAH!

Actually, for a 6am morning, it wasn't that bad. I went to Timmy Ho's for breakfast and got donuts, and they were free with Grandpa's usurped gift certificates. I had coffee. It was snowing for the first time in a week. I had managed to get two suitcases' worth of stuff into one suitcase. You know, it seemed to be an auspicious way for EA to bid me goodbye.

The hilarity started when I got to the airport, attempting to simultaneously balance the 60lb suitcase, the full-to-bursting backpack, the disgustingly large (also full)(and new!) handbag, and the cylindrical and very slick Tupperware with the living being in it. Oh, had I neglected to mention the living being? Yes. Well, I'd taken it upon myself to adopt and BREED LIKE GANGBUSTERS Blue, an adorable and cruelly abandoned betta that has been shuttled around the family for some time now. He is a crowntail with ridiculous genes that must be shared for the good of all bettakind.

So anyway, I checked in for my flight and everything without a problem, and the flight was running fine even though it was really slippery out. I hiked all my crap up on my hip and headed for security, managing to juggle the boarding pass and the driver's license and the fish simultaneously without dropping anything. When I got up to the scanner, the security dude started laughing - when I handed him Blue for a handcheck (you think I'm gonna give my fish cancer? Psh. No.) he didn't see the fish and started asking me why I was handing him a glass of water. Then the other guy wanded the container "just so I don't get in trouble".

(Might I add, by the way, that as I was standing in line thinking "wow, I look like a total uncoordinated idiot", who should walk up behind me but my horrible and long-forgotten 7th grade music teacher, Mr. Hasselback. Yes. That was convenient.)

So I got to the gate and settled myself. I was sitting across from a slew of old ladies (the flight was continuing to Flaaaaaahrida), a couple of whom struck up conversation about the fishie.

"Oh, it's a betta! Does it come from one of those vases?"
upon which I streaked into vigilant-anti-animal-cruelty-crusader mode and taught those old ladies more than they ever wanted to know about the suckiness of plant-betta vases. NEVER BUY A PLANT-BETTA VASE, OR I WILL BE INCREDIBLY ANGRY WITH YOU AND NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

The flight started boarding late. They called my row and I got into line. I gave the lady my boarding pass.

"What's that?" She pointed to the container.

"Oh, that's my fish. His name is Bl-"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"No fish."

"What do you mean, no fish?"

"No fish on the plane."

"Why not?"

"No fish on the plane."

"But why not?"

"No fish on the plane."

"Yeah, but why NO-"

"NO FISH ON THE PLANE!"

A slightly nicer lady spoke up. "It's cats and dogs only, ma'am. I can't tell you how many fish we've got downstairs. It's against federal law to bring a fish on a plane."

"Oh. That's kinda dumb, but...umm...ok...what do I - you're not gonna make me kill him?!"

"No, no no. You can have somebody come pick him up."

I picked up my cell. "Umm...Mom? Hahahahaha. Guess what?"

So now I have no fish and the mean JetBlue people made me cry - but on the plus side, all the old ladies on the plane consoled me in my loss, I will be at DukeyDuke in TWO days, I found black ballerina slippers, and Dad has triumphantly declared that "there will never be another Democratic president!" thereby giving me weeks upon weeks' worth of ranting material and subsequently taking it away by suggesting an iPod for my Christmas gift. So, overall, it's been not a bad couple of days.