Thursday, February 24, 2005

TROLLS READ THIS FIRST

You thought I was kidding about writing a post for trolls. You were wrong.

Please accept it as a given that these notes are intended for those who wish to leave truly cutting troll-comments, the kind that make their recipients cry alone in their beds at night. In order to be a foolish, knee-jerk troll, the opposite of all these rules apply. Right. Well then.

1. Unearth relevant information about your trolled.
A comment left quickly about a single post just doesn't have that necessary oomph. "This is dumb", the trolled probably thinks. "BA-LEETED!" And then they will ba-leet you.
To be an effective troll, you need to utilize the resources the internet has placed at your fingertips. Go through archives to find significant harmful events (breakups are fantastic. "No wonder s/he doesn't love you anymore" can cut through even the most powerful psychic armor) and exploit them as thoroughly as possible. Does your trolled have any contact information on their website? See what you can do with it - a cutting IM is even more hurtful than a cutting blog comment. Got their full name? Google them. Find out where they live and go through the police reports. And remember - even the most seemingly innocuous event can be a deadly weapon if wielded correctly.

2. "Anonymous" is lame.
Don't you have ANY creativity? Come up with an alter ego - "Everyone Hates [Trolled]" is a good standby, but use your inventive side. An even better plan is to leave a link to your "homepage" (anything including porn will work for this, especially porn with unlimited and unending popup windows). Confident? Link to your real homepage - your trolled will see how perfect you are and be further shamed by their own inadequacies.

3. GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR.
This is quite possibly the most important aspect of any troll comment. SPELLCHECK AND RE-SPELLCHECK. THEN GRAMMAR-CHECK. Nothing takes the sting off a well-formulated zinger like a misplaced apostrophe. Capitalize what is supposed to be capitalized. Don't end sentences with prepositions. Your goal should be nothing short of perfection - make your trolled think they're being insulted by a Harvard professor or corporate magnate. If in doubt, leave it out.

4. Reread your post for clarity.
What to you might seem like a cutting commentary on your trolled's life and sexual habits will, more likely than not, sound like a pack of gibbering hyenas to your audience. Reread. Do you fully explain your thought process? Is there any room for ambiguity? If so, find a way to rephrase your sentence - clarity is the single most important aspect of trolling, so beware.

5. Be prepared for the consequences.
Some trolleds are more resourceful and less resilient than others - they will find your IP address and track you down. You can use aliases for some small amount of protection, but be aware that it won't always thwart the hungry. If your trolled should find you and confront you, know how to back up your argument. If you've done your research (see step 1), this shouldn't be too hard - however, it's possible that the mere happenstance of the encounter will take some wind out of your sails. Don't let this happen. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

6. Know that you will become a trolled.
There are two reasons for step 5: first, it is likely that the fellow-commenters on your trolled's website will be offended by your insult to their friend/relative/idol. The minutest of details will be fodder for these hungry beasts (ref. step 3). Second, by perpetrating one of the dumbest of Internet etiquette crimes, you make it more likely that you will be trolled yourself someday. If this happens, I do not want to hear you complaining. Track down the troglodyte's IP and let him have it, thereby restarting the circle. It's a beautiful, natural thing.

Well, oh my trolls, this is my sage advice. Use it; don't abuse it.

3 Comments:

Blogger Coral Clarke said...

Go Allie!

2/25/2005 3:57 PM  
Blogger :D said...

haha wow.

I'm so lucky to have a friend like you. If I ever get trolled can I hire you to re-troll for me?

3/02/2005 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Friendly Troll said...

So has the definition of "troll" reached the most recent edition of The Oxford Dictionary?....HaHa

Very nice! This troll best better not mess with these ladies, might regret the nastiness left behind. However my intentions are never to hurt you, only to engage you, if you know what I mean?

Let me leave with a question:

Did these trolls ever hurt you? and let's be honest about it, I sometimes get my feelings hurt as well. Just ask Deirdre and Natalia about it...

Your, Friendly Troll,

PS Three, want to be number four?

(Now I am proof reading, to get my mojo trollness down pack...much to learn...)

(To be trolled or not to be trolled?)

(To be cliche or not to be cliche? Sometimes both)

3/06/2005 12:23 AM  

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