Allison's Handy Guide to the Movie "Platoon".

1. Something is wrong with Tom Berenger's face. Could this be a symbol for some sort of malignancy in his soul? Heavens, no.

2. It doesn't matter how good of a character you cast him as; Willem Dafoe will always look evil. But you can respect him anyway, because he took a crack at Tom Berenger's busted-up face.

3. Everybody dies except for Charlie Sheen. This is sad, because of all the actors in this movie, Charlie Sheen would have been the one I would have picked to kill off.

4. Overwrought string music makes a scene emotional, even if it's just recaps of footage you saw half an hour ago.

5. The end.